loneliness
by xCaligula
Summary: "You're so afraid of being alone," said Ursula one night, "that you really would have anyone."
Sally despised her fellow "Minutewoman", both out of a sense of professional jealousy and for more personal matters. Ursula was positively unbearable in every sense of the word; she was rude and inconsiderate, to Sally in particular, and she acted so damn proud of herself for the things that made her different than other women, the things that made her impossible to market for her sex appeal.

But she was beautiful, even if it was not in the traditional way that Sally was, and that was part of why she hated her too. Ursula had sharp features and kept her hair short and sharp to accentuate that. She looked serious, severe, and intimidating, but there was still something undeniably beautiful about her. Sally was supposed to be the picture of beauty, but Ursula was so different from her that she hated her for it. How could they both been the beautiful one when they were so vastly different?

Ursula was beautiful to men, yet men still did not flock to her like they did to Sally. She was much too intimidating to approach and could only be admired from afar, while Sally was welcoming and, oh, did she ever welcome her admirers with open arms. But Ursula couldn't care less if men flocked to her. She didn't need their attention, she didn't rely on it like Sally always had. Men were nothing to her and she didn't hesitate to remind Sally of that difference between the two of them and Sally hated her for that as well.

Men were so little to her that it was plain to those who knew her that she preferred women for companions, she preferred women warming her bed. That in and of itself was (should have been) despicable enough to Sally, but more than that, it was the fact that she was not afraid that Sally hated. Ursula was not afraid to admit that she would sooner die than share an evening with a man just like was not afraid of her heritage. She could freely admit that she was Austrian, that she was an immigrant, that she had run away, and Sally spent her entire life trying to hide the fact that she came from a family of poor, Polish immigrants.

But most of all, she hated Ursula because she could not stay away from her. No matter how many times she insisted that it was over, that there was no affair and that this would never happen again, she would always find herself back in Ursula's arms, back in her bed. She would always grow desperate enough and lonely enough to go running to her and in the end, Ursula would always mock her for it.

"You need love too much," she would say. "You don't even want me, but I make you feel less alone and you need that. You're pathetic and a coward, too afraid to be alone. You're afraid of so much."

It was all true and Sally knew it, and that was why she put up with listening to it. None of it was false and so she deserved to hear it, and she would be in such a low place to seek Ursula out that she would spend whatever time with her that she could. She would listen while Ursula railed on her for all of the things she hid about herself, for how cowardly she was in regards to her heritage and the truth of their relationship.

"You're so afraid of being alone," said Ursula one night, "that you really would have anyone. That was obvious enough with me, but the way you string the Comedian along? Pathetic. You realize he's only a child, and that he wouldn't be a good mate for anyone, but you still encourage his advances because you know he'll be there if all else fails. You keep him as you last resort, when everyone else abandons you."

Once again, every word she said was true. Eddie was not a nice kid and she knew that, but he was nice to her and he was madly in love with her, or at least thought himself to be, and when she was lonely enough, she was sure she could learn to love him in return one day. He would surely stand by her no matter what, he would be there to give her more than the empty admiration that most men did. Eddie would be able to give her more than Ursula did, but Sally couldn't quit her.

Because, for all her hateful words, Ursula would cover Sally in fervent kisses, would touch her in ways more thoughtful than any man ever had, would make her feel better than she ever had just before she left her feeling as empty and broken as she had when she arrived, maybe even more so. And for all her hateful words, Sally knew that Ursula had a lover waiting for her at home that she was ignoring in favor of the woman she spent so much time ridiculing.

As time went on, and as she tried to cut things off only to go running back, things only grew worse between the two of them. There had never been love, there had never been anything but hate, but things took a turn for the worse with Ursula when things took a turn for the worse with Eddie. Their game, which was not a game to him, went further than she wanted, and he was ready for her when she had not yet managed to teach herself to love him.

She blamed herself for what he did to her, because of what she had done to him. He hadn't understood her, and she hadn't made herself clear, and she had pushed him too far and she was sure he regretted it. But what was done was done, and she was assured that she would never have to see him again, and she never found the words to express that she didn't want to lose even a little bit of attention.

Ursula knew. Ursula knew everything and when she heard about what had happened and when Sally came to her soon after, she was merciless. "I don't see why you're letting him take all the blame for this," she said. "Wasn't it your teasing that drove him to that point? Didn't you want him to come after you like that? Maybe if you weren't so desperate for his attention this wouldn't have happened."

"I'm not pressing charges," Sally confessed.

"Of course you aren't. Because you know it's your fault."

Even this didn't end their encounters, though it was one of the most hurtful things that Ursula had said to her. In fact, if anything, it only drove Sally on, making her so hurt, so sad, so lonely that she had no choice but to return to Ursula soon after that, and again, and again. Now that she knew that Eddie really wasn't that much better, it was easier to go back, or so she told herself. Ursula had other opinions.

"You and I both know Hollis is crazy about you, so why won't you pursue him?" she asked. "Is it because you don't just like my attention, but you like that I hurt you? Is that the real reason you pushed the Comedian like you did? Then it would make sense that you wouldn't give a decent, gentle man like Hollis a chance."

Was she right? Sally didn't want to believe it, she didn't want to believe that she wanted that, but then why didn't she pursue Hollis? It wasn't as if she hadn't noticed the way he looked at her, the way he talked to her, the way he went out of his way for her, but she pretended she didn't and she never considered pursuing him. No matter how lonely she got, she never considered going to him for help. No matter what, when she was pushed beyond what she could take, it was Ursula that she went to.

Until Ursula wasn't there for her to run to. The day came that she was discovered with her lover, and in the ensuing scandal, she was voted out of the Minutemen. Sally, terrified that she would say something, that she would be outed for what she had done, was quick to vote in favor of her leaving, and she didn't see Ursula again after that. If the woman had any intention of outing her, she never had the chance, for soon enough, she was found murdered.

For the most part, Sally was relieved. The affair was over now, and she didn't have to count on herself to end it. Her secret had died with Ursula, and no one would ever know what she had done. Still, there were times when she wondered what Ursula would say if she knew that Sally had married Larry.


End file.
